The Mulan Theory

Here we go again. (deep breath) Hahay.


Things around me lately have been more of... lost. The loss of direction... Identity crisis... Finding out who I really want to be and what I really want.

Truth be told, I have been living all of my life wanting to please people... wanting to gain praise, acknowledgement... and as ugly as that may sound, yes, I always wanted to get on the good side of people, not wanting to displease anyone.

"Wait, aren't I always myself when I am around people?" I ask myself sometimes. But then, I guess I don't know anymore too. Have I always been this way before? Have I always wanted to do this even though I didn't like it? I think I didn't...? I think I did...? I do not know.

It has been so long since I last sat down to close my eyes and really just think about what I want to be in the future... where I want to go... what I want to do... what I want to achieve... And the last time since I last did this was 7 years ago and I'm sure I have changed since then.

Gone is the girl who wears shorts underneath her school uniform skirt... the girl who had 3 pairs of baggy Elephant pants... the girl who wears caps in reverse... the girl who refuses to wear chic sandals... the girl who always wears a sando underneath a layer of shirt.

Gone is the girl who rebelled to enroll in a course she didn't want.

I look back and ask myself if I am proud of the change.

Should I be? Have I changed for the better? Is the me now better? Was I better before? What is this thing called "better", anyway?

It's funny... how I always go against mainstream movie lines or scenarios. Yet I found myself in parallel relation to Disney's Mulan. That's why I call this "The Mulan Theory".

What is this "Mulan Theory", you ask?

Well, it's a theory I recently thought of where one is not true to their hearts. Where someone is forced to be someone who they are not in order to keep up the family name... to make sure not to lose face... to prevent bringing shame and dishonor to the family. She is forced to wear makeup and sit still, to be the perfect demure and graceful daughter, to mold herself into someone worthy of being called a "wife" and soon-to-be "mother". She is to look her best at all times. She is to hide away all ugly and unattractive features possessing such shame and eyesore to society.

That, even though, deep inside, there is the flame burning, burning to fight back... To prove of one's own worth... To prove that being true to one's heart is how things should be... That she also has the will and the power to make a change. That despite not possessing such beauty, elegance, and grace, she will come to love and be loved wholeheartedly and unconditionally by a man whom she will call her half: the Yang to her Yin.

Aah~ such fictional scenarios. Superficial too. Hahahaha. But, then again, it is but a cup of wishful thinking that keeps us from going.

Recently, this theory has been "pushed" into my face for countless times that I wasn't too happy about. I found myself looking at the mirror and seeing reality. I found myself looking at it and crying... losing hope... feeling shame... that the shame is being shared even by them.

"Just be yourself, then."

Oh, if only that was easy to do.

If only being myself will not lose face of my family's name. If only being myself will prevent others to point fingers towards the daughter who runs like a boy. If only being myself will stop the talks about the daughter who laughs out with a loud voice. Then by all means, I shall be "myself" for all of eternity.

But no... I want to protect something else more than I want to protect myself... and that is to protect my family's honor.

'Cause being yourself is not always good enough...

...and as harsh as it may sound, the world is a judgmental place to live in. That all you can do is swallow your pride... and just do it for the ones you love.

I actually have more things on the plate but then it'd be totally off the topic on the "Mulan Theory" and I'd be ranting so I'll just end this post here. XD hahahaha~

Stop.